I must admit, yesterday I had a mini breakdown. I think I was able to hold back most of my frustrations for when I got home, so luckily my students didn't see me crack (atleast, I hope not). At this point though, I know they know I'm frustrated. I also know that they know that, so far atleast, there has been little to no consequences for their actions (other than me begging for their respect...I think this may have backfired).
I think the hardest part of distractions, disengagement and off-topic questions is that I am not sure what to do from here. I'm not sure how to make the good days more frequent. Honestly, I'm afraid to punish my class. I know, even though they don't always respect me, that they atleast like me. If I start to punish them, will they just turn away from me even more? Do I focus on the bunch of students who are the most disruptive, or do I continue to talk about respect and paying attention on a whole class level? In teachers college, you are told that building relationships with your students are creating an environment that supports intrinsic engagement will solve all life's problems. I now feel stuck...I feel like I have put a lot of effort in getting to know my students. I have also tried to make lessons as dynamic and engaging as possible (I've been told my lessons are awesome. #win.). I have realized, though, that class dynamics are dependent are more than just these two factors. Now, don't get me wrong, I know these two factors are extremely important. I don't even want to imagine where i'd be if I didn't put effort into building relationships and making egaging lessons. But I have also realized the importance of having clear rules and clear concequences if those rules are borken. I also have realized the importance of follow-through. It is so important that students trust you - trust you with the good consequences, and the bad. If the students recoginize you as a real person, with real emotions, real trust and understanding, and real authority, they will grow to respect you more. One thing I try to remind myself regularly is that every day is a new day. I should not forget about the bad days; however, I will never be able to work well with my students if I hold things against them. I have also realized that good days are never perfect. In a roudy class of 35, I will probably have to stop my lesson to wait for silence everyday. I will probably have to call out people for not having their materials, not being in uniform, or getting up when they shouldn't. I will probably go my entire career having to give out detentions (not daily, but it will happen). I have realized....this is ok. Life isn't perfect, teaching isn't perfect. Most importantly, I have also realized that even through the tough days, teaching is what I love. The emotion I feel on bad days makes me realize how passioante I am about the success of the class and the success of my students. I also think about the good days - my students make me laugh all of the time. We smile together, explore together and learn together. I know that eventhough it is tough, I would never want to be anywhere else.
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December 2016
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